


Second Declension

by Catalisk



Category: Yes Minister, Yes Prime Minister
Genre: Established relationship... sort of, Fluff, M/M, Russian translation available! See notes, Smutty speech but all technical, nothing graphic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-12
Updated: 2020-09-12
Packaged: 2021-03-06 18:41:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26423533
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Catalisk/pseuds/Catalisk
Summary: “Er... I don’t think the Prime Minister’s got as far as the second declension...” - Bernard, in “The National Education Service”Jim tries to prove he's not a philistine, for the noble purpose of getting in Humphrey's pants.
Relationships: Humphrey Appleby/Jim Hacker
Comments: 7
Kudos: 18





	Second Declension

**Author's Note:**

  * Translation into Русский available: [Второе склонение](https://archiveofourown.org/works/26410558) by [fandom Anything Retro 2020 (Anything_Retro)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Anything_Retro/pseuds/fandom%20Anything%20Retro%202020), [Tea_Lady (Red_Box)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Red_Box/pseuds/Tea_Lady)



> With apologies to anyone who actually speaks Latin, because I do not! 
> 
> And, fittingly on the subject of languages, there is a russian translation of this available here: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26410558  
> (Especially remarkable since the author pretty much had to be trilingual, meanwhile i'm out here hiding behind a cupboard whenever the duolingo owl tries to make me learn italian.)

It was late on a Wednesday, and Jim Hacker had just made the dreadful mistake of misusing a Latin idiom. At least, he thought it was an idiom.

Bernard's eyes lit up, as they always did when an opportunity to talk about linguistics presented itself, and indeed, often when it didn't.

"Ah, actually Prime Minister, I believe you meant to say _a posteriori_ evidence, not _a priori_. You see, _a priori_ evidence relies on axiomatic truths - it is of course a latin phrase, meaning 'from the earlier', while _a posteriori,_ which in Latin means "from the later", describes evidence derived from empirical evidence. Now, in Latin, this..." the young man barely seemed to take a breath, and Jim decided he ought to cut in to stop him from suffocating.

"Alright! Alright. Yes, thank you Bernard, very informative. Now, moving on, the matter of the-" he stopped himself. "Actually, Bernard..."

"Yes, Prime Minister?

"You know, I've been thinking. I really ought to- Well, I would like to- ...could you teach me some Latin?"

"Ah. Why, certainly, Prime Minister!" A slightly cheeky expression crossed Bernard's face. "Never too late to begin one's educat- Er. Sorry... What did you have in mind?"

"Have in mind?"

"Well, er, what did you plan to use it for?"

"Use it for! Right, of course."

A series of concerned expressions played across Jim's face as he considered the question. In truth, he was planning to use it to seduce Bernard's boss, but he couldn't very well say that. Really, this was Humphrey's fault for being so bloody difficult.

For the last few weeks, he and the Cabinet Secretary had been involved in some sort of romantic entanglement. Probably. At least, Jim was _fairly_ confident. They had kissed (briefly) and had sex (somewhat less briefly) and done all manner of things which would imply the presence of a romantic relationship, but apparently not confirm it. Perhaps it was really only sex, just a relief of tension, but that thought didn't sit right with Jim. There was something so delicate and vulnerable about the way Humphrey laid his head on Jim's shoulder, pressing their bodies together in that perfect moment between climax and his almost immediate pivot into a lecture about commercial zoning laws.

Since then, Jim had been trying to charm him into opening up. His usual tactics (dreadful pickup lines and a winning smile) had failed, but perhaps Humphrey needed something a little more intellectual. Thus, Jim had formulated a plan to take him out to dinner and dazzle him with wit... or at least, something smutty that also proved he could, in fact, speak Latin at a third grade level.

"Er... Prime Minister?"

"I'm sorry, what was the question? Ah- right, yes, well. I was just curious. That's all. And the leader of the country ought to know these things."

"Well then, I would be glad to indulge your curiosity! Shall we start with basic grammar?"

"Right, yes, grammar. That shouldn't be so bad."

"Now, as I'm sure you recall, Latin is a highly inflected language. This allows for a more flexible sentence structure, but also requires that words be modified according to various factors, such as their case - that is, their function in a sentence. Now, there are six cases in Latin, which are: the Nominative - the subject, the Genitive - possessive, or to express an object that is "of" something, the Dative - the indirect object, the Accusative - the direct object, the Ablative-" "Prime Minister? Is everything alright?"

Jim narrowed his eyes.

"Bernard... do you think you could give me a sort of... executive summary of all that, perhaps?"

"Ah, well, I think it all boils down to Latin being a highly inflected language, which allows for a more flexible sentence structure, but also requires that words be modified according to various factors, such as..."

"Yes, I see." Jim said, in his most scholarly tone of voice. "Right."

"Erm, Prime Minister, if I may be so bold as to ask. This wouldn't have anything to do with Sir Humphrey, would it?"

"Humphrey?!" Jim's eyes went wide in panic. Was Bernard wise to his scheme? How could he have figured out- "Oh, because of our little tiff over Latin in schools! No, no, no. Well, Bernard, if you must know, it's my wife's anniversary - er, _our_ anniversary - next weekend, and, well, I thought she might find it charming if I were to... In another language, that is."

"Oh... Oh! In that case, you have nothing to worry about. Your anniversary isn't for another eight months."

"It is? Wait, how do you know that?"

"Well, I marked it in your diary. You do remember a few years back, when we had you double booked - or triple booked, in fact, and, well, I thought it was better we didn't repeat that disaster."

"Yes, yes, alright. I can see what you mean."

"But if you _did_ want to learn how to say something, erm, _romantic."_

"Yes?"

Jim took out a little notebook and started scratching at it in shorthand.

"And, erm, Bernard, how would you say..." Jim wasn't quite sure he could say it out loud, so he made an obscene gesture with his hands, which on mature reflection was certainly far worse.

"Oh! Oh, my. I think Sir H-Mrs. Hacker"

"Mrs. Hacker." Jim corrected sternly.

"Yes, well, she would be. Um. Well, it's rather a complicated question - you see, in Latin, and indeed Greek, when proposing sexual acts, one's choice of word often depends on the gender of the parties involved and on whether the speaker is in the, erm, _active_ or _passive_ role. Even this component is not entirely cut and dry, as these acts are, on a grammatical level, handled quite differently to their english-language counterparts. _Irrumare_ , which is a passive verb in English - that is to receive fellatio, is in fact an active verb in Latin - something which one actively does. Of course, one would typically use some degree of innuendo while discussing such topics, and Latin has a wide array of interesting options, which, as in most languages, evolved over time such that ordinarily innocent words acquired sexual connotations. As a rather amusing anecdote, _officium_ , which can be loosely translated as "duty" or "service", though it also refers to "office" - that is, a political office - gained the connotation of _pathic_ behavior - which means that the latin term for permanent undersecretary - _princeps officii_ \- sounds rather like-"

"Yes, thank you Bernard! That will be all!" Jim said, still reeling from the apparent depth and breadth of Bernard's sexual vocabulary. "Erm... Do you have a dictionary I can borrow? I think I shall figure the rest of it out on my own."

"Oh, of course." he said, pulling out a gigantic tome that looked old enough to have been penned by a native speaker.

Jim sighed, and got to work.

***

It was easy enough to get the Cabinet Secretary to dinner. He loved a good meal at an expensive restaurant, especially when someone else was paying. Plus, they had plenty of work matters to discuss, and that was before they even _began_ to address their impossible-to-define pseudo-romance nonsense. Humphrey's true intentions were hard to read even without bringing something as perplexing as _romance_ into the mixture, so it was little wonder that Jim never knew whether he was coming or going. He rather hoped tonight it would be the former.

This evening, Humphrey was dressed in a very sharp three-piece ensemble with a purple tie and matching pocket square and his hair coiffed just so. He looked terribly handsome, and Jim briefly entertained the thought that perhaps Humphrey had dressed up for his sake. He smiled at the idea, even though it probably wasn't true.

Owing to the possibility of official secrets being discussed, and simply to their stature, they were seated in a closed off area of the restaurant, out of sight and earshot of the other patrons. Discretion was still of the utmost importance, but even if it weren't, Humphrey would still have gone on about the most mundane of topics for the first hour or so. It was always an heroic effort to get him onto casual conversation.

By the time they polished off the main course, Humphrey's posture had relaxed ever so slightly, and Jim - who was by this point a couple of drinkies in - seized his chance.

Humphrey's eyes went wide, and for a moment, he was speechless.

"I... Good Lord... Latin?" he stammered out, a sweet little flush colouring his cheeks. A curl of his hair seemed to jump out of place of its own volition. Mission accomplished!

"Yes it is!" he giggled. "Bet you didn't expect that!"

"No, I certainly did not... And neither would the Romans. his voice dropped almost to a whisper, " _Make would go...."_ his voice dropped almost to a whisper " _insert?_ " Is that supposed to be something vulgar?"

"O... oh, dear. I must have gotten my declensions mixed up. I thought I had it down. Where are my notes?"

"Notes?!"

"Well, you see, it was my first time learning a language, and the... In English, it was supposed to be- ah, I'll tell you later. Here comes dessert."

Humphrey found a sudden fascination with his pastry, while Jim was left to stew in silence.

Finally, Humphrey looked up.

"Right, well. We'll not be having any more of that nonsense, Prime Minister."

"No, no... Of course not. I apologize."

"As you should. A most dreadful butchery of the language. Besides. I think a more appropriate phrase would be..."

Humphrey said something in Latin, and Jim nodded sagely in the hopes that it would look like he understood it.

"And, of course, in English, that would be..."

Humphrey glanced furtively to his left and right, then leaned in, close enough that his lips were almost touching Jim's neck. Then, he whispered something quite unexpected.

"Oh, my, Humphrey!" Jim said, far louder than he intended, then quickly silenced himself. " _With... with me_?" he mouthed, " _Tonight?"_

Humphrey seemed to drink in the sight of Jim floundering, a predatory light gleaming in his dark brown eyes. He smiled, in an infuriatingly self-satisfied manner, which was unfortunately also very attractive.

" _Ita vero,_ Prime Minister." 

Edit: And I did an illustration as well! ~~Is it ok to have this here? What's the etiquette? Oh well. If it's not, uh, let me know and I'll remove it.~~

**Author's Note:**

> As I mentioned, I (obviously) don’t speak Latin, so any jokes at Jim’s expense are also at my own. That said, I did a lot of googling for this, and so, some fun facts: it turns out there isn’t a word for “yes” (or no) in Latin, though “Ita vero” (closer to “indeed” or “certainly”) is commonly used. Humphrey’s classic “yes and no” answer would probably be translated as “Sic et non” ([it is] thus and [it is] not). At least... I think so. If anyone reads this, please do send me corrections!
> 
> Regarding Bernard’s speech about smutty Latin: ever since his fabulous “Oh, could we! [subsidize sex]” line, I’ve headcanoned him as a bit of a quiet achiever in that department. He knows exactly what his bosses are up to, and could probably save them months of romantic angst and mutual pining with a couple of off the cuff remarks. The officium/officii/officiosi thing relies on my incredibly shaky understanding of grammar, and from this passage I found in a book from the 80s about smutty latin slang: (https://64.media.tumblr.com/4e531595a2f53068251b557beda785f0/a78f74642ff261ec-4e/s400x600/df12ea36490969b4745e2357a2d1aabe352cc831.png) oh my god that's a long URL. Sorry. I copied it from my tumblr.


End file.
